Using Assertiveness In Life: A Female Perspective

Doormat...
Submissive...
People pleaser...

Recognize these? They're just a few of the words used to describe women who are unable or unaccustomed to standing up for themselves. And if this sounds familiar, you’ll know how deeply frustrating and upsetting it can be to be taken for granted and overlooked.  Worse still, to have your ideas, or even emotions, trivialized.


But don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be that way!  In this article, we’re exploring the things that hold women back when it comes to assertiveness - and what you can do about it.

So why is it that some women struggle to use assertiveness in life? To explain this, let’s shoot back to the ‘olden days’ when a woman’s sole goal in life was to nab a husband. When looking for a wife, men would be on the hunt for a woman who was soft, warm and nurturing - in short, likable. Any deviation from these values could be seen as shrill, bossy and aggressive and demonstrably not wife and mother material!

As a quick aside, you might want to check out our online assertiveness test as a great way of identifying areas that could use a little improvement.  It's quick, free (and anonymous!) and you get a personalized report on your own strengths and weaknesses ... and what you can do about them.
You could even think about using assertiveness training to help you structure what you do.  Though don't worry too much right now, because there are links at the end of the article, and there's a lot more to say...

You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

Things are, of course, different these days.  In the last 50 years we’ve seen female Prime Ministers, Presidents and movers and shakers in the business world yet still, despite this, many women still find it hard to command authority; both socially and in the workplace.
But it’s time to change all that. In this article, we’re looking at ways in which you can start to use assertiveness in life from a female perspective.

It starts with self-belief

It has to be said that the person who came up with the phrase “imposter syndrome” has a lot to answer for. This term, in essence, lends a sense of normality to people - particularly women - dumbing down their sense of self-worth.
If you’ve studied and / or worked hard to get where you are there’s a pretty good chance that you’re good at what you do and you need to start telling yourself that each and every day.

Self-belief leads to self-advocacy

Once you understand your own worth, you can then start spreading the news. For example; that promotion or pay rise you’ve been too scared to ask for ? It’s time to go for it by calmly citing the reasons that you deserve it.

Watch your language

When it comes to the language we use, sometimes us gals don’t do ourselves any favors! Have a think about how many times in the past week you’ve used one or more of the following words or phrases in the workplace, or maybe even at home:

• Sorry
• If you could find the time
• It’s not important
• It’s my fault
• I hate to bother you

Too many times, right ? A lifetime of conditioning is hard to reboot when it comes to assertive language but, we absolutely must reboot it if we want things to change.
Instead, practice saying:

• I need you to do this
• There’s a problem I need your help with
• I need time with you as a priority

By switching up the language that you use you can improve your assertiveness without coming across as aggressive or demanding.

The follow through

It’s one thing to dial up the language you use in the workplace but this won't mean too much if you don’t then follow through with courage in your convictions.
For example; you asked for that report to be sent to you by 3pm and it hasn’t arrived. Maybe you should give them a bit longer or perhaps work on it yourself?  Nope.  Instead, you need to approach that person and politely but firmly ask for an update. While this may be daunting at first it's a small step toward a big change.

Fighting talk

For many women, it’s in their very nature to avoid conflict at all costs and, while this can be utterly sensible in many situations, it can be damaging in others. And the world of work, unfortunately, is riddled with bullies, and every time you stand down to avoid a conflict you’re doing yourself a very real injustice.
Ask a close friend or family member to help you to practice standing up for yourself during a workplace conflict - and then put it into practice...

Body talk

While you’re busy tackling the language and follow-up tactics you use, you might unknowingly be letting yourself down in other ways. Our body language plays a big part in our communication skills and it can have a negative impact on the way that we’re perceived by others.
Body language such as slouching, avoiding eye contact and displaying a nervous smile or laugh can project weakness and timidity - the very things that you really want to avoid in the first place.



It’s impossible to overemphasize the importance of strong communication skills if you want to improve your assertiveness.  Poor or weak body language can contradict even the most confident of spoken language and give others the impression that you’re an easy touch - or even a target.

What’s In A Word?

Unfortunately, in many cases, the word ‘assertiveness’ has connotations of aggression and bullying and so we could choose to switch this out for another term: self-assurance.
This is really what assertiveness boils down to. Self-assurance and self-belief are two of the cornerstones of confidence and it's therefore these important things that you should be focusing on.

So instead of thinking about assertiveness in terms of steamrollering others into letting you have your way, give yourself a little more credit by labelling it as a way of taking your rightful place in a world that you have worked hard to be a part of.



In this article, we’ve shared some ways in which you can take baby steps toward improving your confidence and becoming more assertive in the workplace. You may also benefit from an online course in personal development in order to help you to reach your assertiveness goals and get the credit you deserve.

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