It's not common knowledge, but many problems in (non-abusive) relationships come from attachment style. Especially if the problems repeat themselves and no solutions seem to satisfy both partners.
Attachment styles are a framework in psychology that claims that how we behave in relationships is a direct consequence of how we were treated by caregivers.
Attachment theory is not a diagnosis or a personality flaw. It's our personal uniqueness, like eye color. It tells a bit more of what a person lived through.
Knowing your attachment style isn't a must, but it can be helpful to grow in relationships and stop running in circles.
This ZandaX article breaks down attachment styles and uses simple checklists to show how your own style will impact your relationships.
What Is My Attachment Style? Checking Style by Style
Attachment styles begin forming early in life, long before our conscious forms. Mostly, it's influenced by how consistently our emotional needs were met. Let's say, parents won't mirror children's emotions like excitement or sadness, the likelihood that they grow up avoidant increases.
Luckily, attachment styles aren't rigid. They also evolve based on adult experiences, especially romantic relationships. But although these checklists are based on professional research, they don’t replace a consultation with a mental health professional. The goal is to notice recurring tendencies and understand where they may come from.
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CHECKLIST 1: The “Dismissive-Avoidant” Attachment Style
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to be independent and self-sufficient. In childhood,
avoidant attachment style in relationships develops when a child's needs are dismissed. That's why they grow up to dismiss feelings on their own.
You may recognize elements of a
dismissive-avoidant attachment style if several of the statements below feel familiar:
- I strongly value independence.
- I don't like to ask for help.
- I feel like I'm more reliable than others.
- Emotional conversations make me feel uncomfortable.
- I believe that some things can and should be left unaddressed.
- When things in relationships get complicated, I become silent.
- I feel uneasy when my partner wants to support me emotionally.
- I don't like to be vulnerable or emotional.
- I like to be alone rather than with other people.
- I don't know how to show that I care for people.
- People tell me that I appear indifferent.
- Commitment suffocates me.
- I hope that some problems will resolve on their own.
- I don't believe that others can emotionally support me.
The more of these that apply to you, the more that commitment can feel suffocating, so you may hope problems resolve on their own instead of addressing them directly. In fact, deep down, you may not believe others can truly support you emotionally.
According to psychologists, these topics usually revolve around people’s vulnerabilities and mistakes.
When relationships with dismissive avoidants become emotionally intense, they stop communicating. “Silent treatment” can also show up in their behavior. In fact, emotional support from a partner often feels unnatural or awkward, so people with dismissive avoidant attachment style refuse it.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment might at first seem like a lack of care. But beneath the surface, it’s a protective mechanism. Not the healthiest one, but effective because it once helped you survive.
CHECKLIST 2: The “Anxious-Preoccupied” Attachment Style
Anxious-preoccupied attachment is common among kids who experienced emotional/physical abuse in childhood. Since parents are supposed to give out unconditional love, a child is confused when caregivers harm them. Children with anxious-preoccupied develop a habit of making sure someone loves them because they find loving them hard to believe in.
Do you relate to these signs of
anxious-preoccupied attachment style?
- I repeatedly ask my significant other if they still love me or if I don't make them angry.
- I am the one to initiate conversations about the future of our relationships.
- I don't like to be alone.
- I don't feel complete when I am not in relationships.
- Long-distance relationships never work for me (or are hard to deal with).
- In my relationships, things are either very good or very bad. There is no middle ground.
- I subconsciously read my partner's tone or the hidden meaning of their messages.
- I notice even the most subtle changes in my partner's behavior.
- I worry about the future more than I enjoy the present.
- I sometimes "test" my partner by picking fights or acting out to see if they will reassure me.
- I prioritize the needs of others over mine.
- Relationships strongly influence my sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional stability.
If you mark SIX or more statements as true this may indicate a higher likelihood that you have anxious-preoccupied attachment style. If that’s your case, someone else’s unpredictability can feel like the main trigger.
CHECKLIST 3: The “Fearful-Avoidant” Attachment Style
Fearful-avoidant attachment, also simply called “disorganized!) is a combination of dismissive and anxious attachment styles. Its most prominent characteristic is that fearful-avoidant people both want and reject intimacy.
People with a
fearful-avoidant attachment style can also relate to these:
- I really want to be close with people, but I hesitate when intimacy increases.
- People called me inconsistent because I seem both welcoming and cold.
- I constantly have doubts that my partner secretly wants to leave me.
- I'd rather hurt or control someone than get myself hurt.
- Winning my trust is a challenging task.
- My relationships are usually short and chaotic.
- After relationships reach a certain point, I tend to end them.
- Commitment feels appealing in theory but frightening in practice.
- I don't understand how I can be loved.
- I automatically assume people have negative intentions before getting to know them.
Five or more “yes” answers to the statements above can mean a higher likelihood of fearful-avoidant attachment style. It's often linked to trauma or inconsistent caregiving. When that person was a simultaneous (and conflicting) source of comfort
and pain, the nervous system learned to
constantly scan the environment for danger.
CHECKLIST 4: The “Secure Attachment” Style
At last: the good news: secure attachment is a healthy attachment style. It's actually less common, but it certainly doesn't mean that people who have it are perfect! Everybody has traits of secure attachment style due to personal experiences and life lessons.
You may relate to a
secure attachment style if several of the statements below feel true for you:
- I love spending time both with my partner and without them.
- It's okay for my partner to go out with their friends as long as I know they are safe.
- I express my feelings and needs freely to my partner.
- When I feel uncomfortable around my partner, I can easily communicate my boundaries with them.
- I consider conflict a normal part of relationships, and now that my partner loves me even when we fight.
- I trust others while still listening to myself.
- I understand what I feel in the moment and can regulate my feelings.
- When I depend on others, I feel comfortable because I know that I am better and stronger in something else.
- I don't need to prove my love.
Saying yes to more than half of these criteria means that you’re doing a good (maybe great) job in keeping your relationships healthy.
Wrapping Up
Well, secure attachment is clearly where we should want to be. But from observing many people over many years at ZandaX, we’d say that it’s more of a goal you work towards reaching than something that just happens naturally.
And most people tend to develop
secure attachment later in life. The best tools to do this are self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and supportive environments. And our checklists in this article should help you with self awareness. Think of secure attachment as a muscle that can be trained if you consistently practice it throughout your life. So start working on it today!
