zandax online course logo
zandax website search
zandax phone callback
Info, Blogs, Contact & Login
Courses
Tests

4 Mistakes That Hurt Your Relationships (and How to Fix Them)

From the ZandaX Assertiveness Blog

Articles to help you be assertive and self confident

Home  >  ZandaX Blogs  >  Development Blog  >  Assertiveness Articles  > 
4 Mistakes That Hurt Your Relationships (and How to Fix Them)

4 Mistakes That Hurt Your Relationships (and How to Fix Them)

A post from our Assertiveness blog

Article author: Ashley Andrews
      Written by Ashley Andrews
Relationships require constant work. Whether it's professional partnerships, friendships, or bonds of the lifelong kind. This is because we humans are complex characters, and we spend an awful lot of our time second guessing each other, instead of saying how we truly feel.

Many of us lack the ability to set clear boundaries for ourselves, or have difficulty communicating our boundaries to others - leading to feelings of resentment that make it tricky for relationships to flourish.



But it really needn't be the guessing game that we make it. With a little guidance, we can develop skills which make all relationships a lot simpler to navigate.

So here are a few of the key ‘problem areas', and how we might avoid them in the future with a little help from assertiveness.

4 Common Mistakes that Hurt Relationships

1. Confusing assertive and aggressive behaviours
A mistake that many people make is not quite striking the right balance between assertion and aggression. And it's a mistake that's easy to make, because the two sit closer together than you might think and the lines are often blurred - particularly in the workplace.

It can be really tricky to make an objective self-assessment on this, so perhaps one of the easiest ways to judge whether or not we're crossing the line towards aggression is by asking ourselves a few simple questions:
  • Do I have to win at every task/argument?
  • Do I find myself talking (or shouting!) over others often?
  • Do I find it hard - even feel myself getting angry - when people don't share my opinion?
  • Do I often end up ‘in charge' in group situations?
  • Do I struggle to let others take the limelight?
  • Do I worry that people will think I'm a pushover if I don't stand my ground?
  • Do I find it a real struggle when things don't go how I'd like them to?
  • Do I often revert to sarcasm or meanness?
If you answered ‘yes' more than you answered ‘no', there's a good chance that your behaviour is bordering on aggressive, or simply acting aggressively full stop! And though a degree of self-assurance is a very admirable quality in a colleague, employee, friend or romantic partner, out-and-out aggression most certainly isn't.



What assertiveness teaches us is to respect the opinions and values of others, as much as we advocate for our own. And it's only with equal give and take that we can really nurture our personal relationships.

2. Acting passively
On the flip side of aggression, there's passive behaviour. And, where one might assume that it's better to be passive than it is aggressive, it can be just as damaging to our relationships, and certainly worse for ourselves.

So let's do the same exercise as before, with different questions:
  • Do I feel uncomfortable speaking up in group situations?
  • Do I find it hard to maintain open body language and eye contact?
  • Do I have trouble formulating my own ideas?
  • Am I unable to set personal boundaries, i.e: saying ‘no' to taking on extra tasks at work or social engagements that I'd rather not attend?
  • Do I find myself at a loss when trying to make short, medium and long-term plans?
  • Do I struggle with time management (read this great blog article to improve this: How to improve your time management by being more assertive)?
  • Do I often feel overlooked?
Again, more ‘yes's than ‘no's is a good indication of a lean towards the passive, and this can have all sorts of implications for relationships. Struggling to voice our boundaries to others means that we're in danger of being walked all over - leading us to feel resentment towards those in our circle. And forever putting the onus on other people to come up with suggestions, and even plans for our future, places unwanted pressure on those we come to rely on.

A truly healthy relationship is one where both parties share an equal burden of coming up with solutions to problems and suggestions for activities that you can do together. So the only way to break free of these cycles of dependence is to develop our skills of assertiveness.

Want to Be More Assertive?


If you'd like to learn more about assertive behavior, why not take a look at how we can help?

Boost your assertiveness and self consifence with our online courses.
RRP from $89 – limited time offer just $16.00



3. Behaving passive-aggressively
Passive aggression is a beast all of its own and, in many ways, it can be the most damaging of all behavioural tendencies. Not only does passive-aggression mask our true feelings from others - leading to lack of understanding and subsequent resentment, on our part - it threatens to completely destroy the trust that others place in us.

Here are a few more self-assessment questions we can ask:
  • Do I often neglect to tell others what I really feel?
  • Do I ‘gossip' about other people behind their backs?
  • Do I struggle to keep confidential conversations a secret?
  • Do I shut down in situations where I feel wronged -- opting, instead, to give others the silent treatment?
  • Do I find competition hard, for fear of being shown up?
  • Do I often talk ambiguously instead of being direct?
  • Do I make up excuses for not wanting to do things, instead of being honest about my boundaries?
  • Do I often procrastinate?
  • Am I self-pitying?
The classic ‘gossipy' traits and general confrontation avoidance of passive-aggressive types cast doubt on our legitimacy and make others wary of whether they can trust us because we're often not even sure of what we want ourselves. Talking about others negatively serves to try and make us feel more self-assured, but it rarely works and it causes real lasting damage to, not only our close relationships, but our much wider reputation.

In learning to act assertively, we realise that it's OK to be direct about our feelings whilst carefully managing the feelings of those around us and, in doing so, we're able to build strong bonds of mutual respect.

4. Bottling up your feelings
Finally, we have the age-old practice of bottling everything up, until we emotionally explode. We do this as an act of protection, both for ourselves and for those that we care about, or whose opinions we respect. We falsely believe that it's better to keep quiet and hold onto our feelings than it is to be direct with people but, in reality, this is a form of self-sabotage.



We've all heard the saying "a problem shared is a problem halved", and that's a good mantra to live by when it comes to dealing with our emotional reactions to situations. While it's certainly not advisable to throw a public wobbly when something doesn't go our way, taking a measured approach to feeding back how we're feeling about something frees us from the emotional baggage we'd otherwise be carrying around. And it really does benefit our relationships. Because it all comes back to the second-guessing we mentioned right at the beginning: never knowing how a person is feeling can be an unnerving experience for those in their circle. Learning to share constructively requires assertive reasoning and excellent powers of communication and, for many of us, this isn't something that comes naturally.

If you'd like to find out more about how developing your skills in assertiveness could pay dividends to your future self, you can find further information here. Half the battle is working out that we could use a little self-development! The rest can be learned with the right sort of guidance.

Want to Be More Assertive?


If you'd like to learn more about assertive behavior, why not take a look at how we can help?

Boost your assertiveness and self consifence with our online courses.
RRP from $89 – limited time offer just $16.00

Back to the Assertiveness blog

Click the button for more Assertiveness articles.

The ZandaX Personal Development blog

Click a panel for great articles on personal development

Write For Us

We pride ourselves on our busy, high-quality and helpful blog, and we're always looking for guest contributors to increase the variety and diversity of what we present.

Click to see how you can write for us with an original and well-written guest post.

ZandaX Blog Contents

Want to see them all? Click to view a full list of articles in our blogs.

Online courses to boost your skills
Click a button to see more about each course
Personal Development
Microsoft Software
 
 
Leadership & Management
Sales & Presentations
Service & Support
 
 
ZandaX online training course logo
ZandaX – Change Your Life ... Today
All content © ZandaX 2023
ZandaX LinkedIn logo
ZandaX LinkedIn logo
ZandaX LinkedIn logo
Close menu element
See how you score on a range of skills that are critical to your well-being and performance
Communication Skill test
Communication Skills
How Can You Communicate Better?
Would you like to see what kind of communicator you are? And how you can improve the effectiveness of your communications?
Likeability test
Likeability
How Much Do People Like You?
Do you sometimes wonder just how likeable you are? And wouldn't you like to see how you can (genuinely) become more likeable?


Time Management test
Time Management
How Can You Make More Use Of Your Time?
Are you frustrated by how easily time slips away? Do you get frustrated when things don't get done just because you run out of time?
Assertiveness test
Assertiveness
Are you Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
Would you like to know where you fall on the behavior spectrum? Does your response to events sometimes surprise you?


Close menu element
Information & Resources
ZandaX information
Information
Read more about us, our Privacy Policy and our Terms of Service
See how we want to help you, and how we make everything easy for everyone
Callback request
ZandaX Blogs
Articles to increase your knowledge and understanding in key areas of your life and career.
Read our blogs on Personal Development, Business Skills and Leadership & Management


Time Management test
Log In
Log in to your online dashboard
View your courses, review what you want and download your workbooks and certificates
Assertiveness test
Contact Us
An easy online form to get in touch
With options for More Information, Customer Service and Feedback


Close menu element
Develop Your Skills, Knowledge and Understanding with ZandaX
Click any subject in the listings for more information and a full list of courses

Personal Development
Personal Development training
Your soft skills affect everything you do, at work, at home and with friends ... they are truly life changing!
NEW COURSES
Online training courses
Hot Off the Press...
We're always adding to and upgrading our courses, so here are a few of our latest releases:
For a full listing of courses, please visit our Quick Course Finder to find exactly what you want.
Site Cookies
We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better.

You can change your cookie settings in your browser. Otherwise, we'll assume you're OK to continue.

I'm fine with this