zandax online course logo
Home
 
Info, Blogs, Contact & Login
Learn
Tests

6 Ways Assertiveness Will Improve your Family Life

From the ZandaX Assertiveness Blog

Articles to help you be assertive and self confident

6 Ways Assertiveness Will Improve your Family Life
A post from our Assertiveness blog

      Written by Ronnie Peterson
In the 18 months running up to the 2012 London Olympics, Dan (name changed) was a teenager selected to represent the United Kingdom at the games, in one of the martial arts disciplines.

Dan should have been ecstatic. His selection was secure, and his career path was on the right track.Except that he wasn't. And neither were any of his family.

It seemed that both Dan's life, and the rest of his family's, were being dictated by his coach. His coach was making all the decisions; how often he should fight, who he should fight, where he should fight, as well as how often and when he should be training.

His mum was feeling more and more like a taxi, his siblings were unhappy that he was getting ALL the attention, and his father moved between being irritable and downright angry.

Something had to change.

His parents decided he needed to be able to stand up to his coach. They wanted him to work with his coach, not be controlled by his coach. So they booked him on an Assertiveness course, and even before he attended it, they decided they should attend too, and after booking, all three attended together.

He learnt ways that being assertive changed his life, and the rest of the family's. And what he learnt, you can learn from too.

1. Start to Say No.

People that are not assertive (and usually displaying either passive or passive aggressive tendencies) don't say No when they should. They know that they do not want to do something, yet end up doing what they are asked or told. This results in the feelings of helplessness that causes despondency if being passive, or results in somehow sabotaging something later, to "get your own back", if passive aggressive.Dan's family simply could not keep having him travel back and forth across the UK competing in fights. He had to learn to say no to some of these requests from his coach, and concentrate on making the fights that he did enter count.

Want to Be More Assertive?

We have online courses with full 12-months' access.
RRP from $109 – limited time offer just $12



In your home life, you need to learn to say No too. Regardless of whether you are a parent at home, or the child in a family, you may be asked to do things that you simply do not want to do. Or that you feel is unfair for you to be asked to do. At some point, you are just going to have to start.

2. Be honest, positive, and open

If you're going to say No to somebody, especially when you have always just gone along with things before, have a reason for it. Be honest about why you do not want to do it, be open about why you feel that way, and then show the positive side.

Dan had to explain that they needed to travel less, it was hurting the family, but he could also then say that with less fights, those that he did take part in could be harder, as he would have more time to recover. He was positive about his suggested option.

You need to be open and honest with your family. If you don't want to be seen as a cranky teenager starting to rebel, or a stressed out mum, you are going to need to explain why you suddenly are saying no to things.

3. Decide what you want, and ask for it

Besides saying no when it comes to things that you do not want to do, you also need to learn how to ask for what you want. You need to know that you have every right to ask for what you want. Your needs and desires are just as valid as anybody else's. So, decide what you want, and start asking for it.Dan had to ask his coach if they could work on plans that impacted his family less. Stick more to being around London, where he was based, and not have to rely on others for transport as much.

You may want to ask your parents to share the household chores out more between all the children, not just give you the most for some reason (like being the eldest). Or as one of the parents, you may need to get other people in the house to prepare meals now and again. The other people will only know what you want when you ask, so you need to verbalise it. Don't try and be subtle, or hint, or be manipulative, just say what you need, and ask for how they can help make it happen.

4. Let go of any guilt you feel

I almost guarantee you will feel some guilt at first. You're suddenly standing up for yourself, and because you are not going to go along with somebody else's plan, you'll feel like you're letting them down.

Dan felt guilty because his coach was having to spend just as much time travelling, and he had other athletes besides Dan to look after too. So he felt guilty about not appreciating what his coach was doing for him, and seeming to want to do less. He needed to get past that.

You cannot be responsible for how other people feel about what you ask, so let go of the guilt. You are only asking to be treated as fairly as you treat the others in your house, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

5. Take a small first step

You've made the decision, you're going to stand up for your rights. Now you need to actually do it for the first time. Dan left his course with an action plan that included the next time his coach mentioned any fight more than 50 miles from home, he was going to say no. The decision was made, he simply had to do it, when the situation arose.

You need to decide when and what your first step will be. If it's going to be about saying no, maybe plan the type of scenario that could happen, and practice how to word your answer. If you're going to ask for something that you have never asked for before, again, plan the wording, so that it comes out naturally.

So now's the time to decide what you want to change, and then plan on how to act that out.

6. Make the small step a habit

Once you've made the first step, and taken that bit of action, you need to make it a habit. It has to become something that you do regularly.

Try come up with a trigger that helps reinforce the behaviour. Something that has grown in recent years, especially after appearing in the hit TV show Billions, was having an elastic band around your wrist. Then, when needed, you snap it, to reinforce the lesson. Not too much, just a gentle sting, not something that is going to cause trauma. For example, somebody asks you to do something, and instead of saying no, when you realise you have just capitulated, snap the elastic. It's a reminder to yourself to do better next time.

While at school, we had an English teacher that wanted us all to improve our spoken language, doing so without the use of slang, or poor grammar. He brought in a stone that fitted into most of the class's hands. If somebody spoke and used a word that was suspected to not be in the dictionary, or a poorly constructed sentence, we checked, and if found to be incorrect, that person was passed the stone. This kept up all through the class, and at the end of the lesson, whoever was left with the stone, ended up having to perform some task. You may say that this was punishment rather than reward, but the amount of glee a bunch of adolescent boys can have in passing that stone over to a classmate when caught out made it a great pleasure. Let me tell you, no single teacher I have seen before or since has ever had such an impact on their classes, they left speaking immaculately. That stone game was a fantastic way to make something a habit.

Find something that you can use as a trigger, that will help you make your first steps stronger, and more of a habit. Because once acting assertively becomes a habit, it will change your life. And only for the better.

Want to Be More Assertive?

We have online courses with full 12-months' access.
RRP from $109 – limited time offer just $12

More Recommended Articles
Online courses to boost your skills
Click a button to see more about each course
Personal Development
Microsoft Software
 
 
online logo
ZandaX – Change Your Life ... Today
All content © ZandaX 2021
Close menu element
See how you score on a range of skills that are critical to your well-being and performance
Communication Skill test
Communication Skills
How Can You Communicate Better?
Would you like to see what kind of communicator you are? And how you can improve the effectiveness of your communications?
Likeability test
Likeability
How Much Do People Like You?
Do you sometimes wonder just how likeable you are? And wouldn't you like to see how you can (genuinely) become more likeable?


Time Management test
Time Management
How Can You Make More Use Of Your Time?
Are you frustrated by how easily time slips away? Do you get frustrated when things don't get done just because you run out of time?
Assertiveness test
Assertiveness
Are you Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
Would you like to know where you fall on the behavior spectrum? Does your response to events sometimes surprise you?


Close menu element
Information & Resources
ZandaX information
Information
Read more about us, our Privacy Policy and our Terms of Service
See how we want to help you, and how we make everything easy for everyone
Callback request
ZandaX Blogs
Articles to increase your knowledge and understanding in key areas of your life and career.
Read our blogs on Personal Development, Business Skills and Leadership & Management


Time Management test
Log In
Log in to your online dashboard
View your courses, review what you want and download your workbooks and certificates
Assertiveness test
Contact Us
An easy online form to get in touch
With options for More Information, Customer Service and Feedback


Close menu element
Learn About:
 
Personal Development
 
Marketing
 
Microsoft Office
Microsoft Project
Microsoft Visio
 
 

[NOTE: Mouse over the titles above,
then to visit the website pages you want,
click on the links in the right hand panel]
Our courses
We have everything covered: learn all applications at all levels!   All courses are CPD certified.
Microsoft Excel courses
Microsoft Excel Introduction
Microsoft Excel Professional
Microsoft Excel Intermediate
Microsoft Excel Advanced
Microsoft Powerpoint courses
Microsoft Powerpoint Introduction
Microsoft Powerpoint Advanced
 
Microsoft Word courses
Microsoft Word Introduction
Microsoft Word Intermediate
Microsoft Word Advanced
Microsoft Powerpoint courses
Microsoft Access Introduction
Microsoft Access Intermediate
Microsoft Access Advanced
Microsoft Outlook courses
Microsoft Outlook Essentials
 
 
Microsoft Project
Enhance your project management with our two intensive but very easy-to-follow CPD certified Microsoft Project courses.
Microsoft Project courses
Microsoft Project Introduction
Get a solid foundation in Project software to create solid, resilient project plans.
You don't need prior experience with Project: just be able to use a PC with Microsoft Windows.
Microsoft Project Advanced
The Advanced course takes you to a level that will put you in complete control of your projects.
You should, of course, be fully conversant with the skills and concepts taught in the Introduction course.
Microsoft Visio
Become a Visio master with our two intensive but very easy-to-follow CPD certified Microsoft Visio courses.
Microsoft Visio courses
Microsoft Visio Introduction
Get a solid base for using Visio to create high quality, impressive diagrams.
You don't need prior experience with Visio: just be able to use a PC with Microsoft Windows.
Microsoft Visio Advanced
This course will enable you to use Visio to design graphics at the highest level.
You should, of course, be fully conversant with the skills and concepts taught in the Introduction course.
Take a look at our new Marketing section which we begin with two great books on Copywriting.
... There's lots more to follow, so stay tuned!
Copywriting books
Copywriting for Results
A two-book set that will give you all you need to write great copy every time.
Get the first book to learn the process, then the second to see how to apply it to all media types.
  • Copywriting for Results: Your Complete Guide
  • Copywriting for Results: Putting It Into Action
Watch This Space
We have more in the pipeline so be sure to check back soon to see what's new!
More marketing books
Great, easy-to-follow CPD certified courses on skills that will change your life!
Learn How to Stop Wasting Time!
Time Management course
Get more out of every day of your life ...
Boost Your Self Esteem: Be Assertive
Assertiveness course
Learn how to deal with bad behavior
Great Communications = A Happy Life!
Communication Skills course
Supercharge your communications
Improve Your Relationships
Building Relationships course
Learn how to be more likeable!
Get a Plan to Beat Your Stress
Stress Management course
Learn how to reduce & manage your stress
It's the Behavior, Not the Anger!
Anger Management course
Control anger in yourself and other people
Site Cookies
We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better.

You can change your cookie settings in your browser. Otherwise, we'll assume you're OK to continue.

I'm fine with this